My Sabbatical: Catching You Up

      i haven't blogged in a while obviously (if you read the date stamps). It's not because i haven't traveled anywhere. i have actually. i've gone to Washington D.C.; Alexandria, Virginia; Hyannis, Cape Cod; Sarasota, Florida; Purchace, New York; and most recently, Chambersburg and Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. 

     So that's not why i haven't blogged. Not to give excuses -- or things that might sound like excuses -- i've been going through some tough stuff in the past year and a half. 

     This isn't me complaining. Just get that out of your head right now. i am not a complainer. Especially in writing that will be public. Ugh, i hate that. 

     But, lucky for you, i'll give you the short version. You're welcome. 

The Beginning

     At the beginning of last school year, i was hanging with my boyfriend in my dorm. We were just watching some TV. And, i had my first major panic attack. First of all, of course, it was scary. It scared me out of my freakin' mind. My heart seemed to be beating like a bass drum to a speeded-up DJ mix. i couldn't breathe. My breaths came in shallow, jagged drags. i couldn't breathe deeply, which made me feel i wasn't getting enough oxygen. i was hyperventilating. And i was sobbing. My body was twitching all over; my feet kicked outward and rubbed over one another; my hands didn't know what to do with themselves, so they fidgeted and touched everything around me, trying to anchor me. Every now and then, my chest would cave in on itself, and i'd duck my head, trying to curl up in a ball. But, just as soon as that happened, i would stretch out, reaching for my boyfriend to help me.

     And, my eyes. My eyes looked into my boyfriend's eyes without seeing, and they flitted all around my peripheral vision, searching for a way out, a solution and to no avail.

      i felt like it was trying to escape whatever was coming over me. 

     And i had no idea what was going on. i was petrified, spasm-ing, hyperventilating, and i had no idea what was happening to me. 

The Prologue

     Well, before that first panic attack, a couple of red flags appeared that didn't set off alarms to me because i just figured i had to power through it. 

1. i didn't want to go to college for my senior year. And i always loved school growing up. My family and my (at the time) new boyfriend were at home.(For the record, he is my present boyfriend still.) And school was three hours away. But i knew that i didn't want to go even more than usual. i just didn't have another reason why. 

2. i talked to my boyfriend every night on the phone before bed while at school. (That wasn't the red flag.) We told each other about our days and talked for a while after that. The red flag was that sometimes, i couldn't hang up with him without getting very upset. i mean, i'd be sobbing. He would stay on the phone with me until i pulled myself together and was able to hang up, or he would just stay on the phone with me until i or both of us fell asleep. it became more and more frequent that i would cry myself to sleep. 

3. i'd get really upset when my boyfriend fell asleep before talking to me, which i knew was not his fault, so i wasn't mad at him or anything. i was just frustrated and i felt lonely, so i would cry. And i would call him, hoping to wake him up just to hear his voice before bed. 

     Now, before you go thinking, "This is a case of Crazy Girlfriend Syndrome, and nothing else." Trust me, i was totally with you! I thought i was nuts! i didn't want to be one of those "clingy, helpless" girlfriends. i hated myself for it. 

     i hated myself slightly less when i found out that it wasn't exactly my fault. 

After the Beginning, But Not Quite the Middle

     i went to the therapist at school. My boyfriend convinced me to go after the panic-attack-that-i-didn't-know-was-a-panic-attack. I know, you're probably like "Why the frickity-frack did this gal need convincing?!" (Sorry if i didn't get your accent quite right.) 

     Anyway, she was awesome. i was super nervous at first, but she ended up being fantastic and really helping me while i was at school. After a few sessions, she diagnosed me with severe anxiety, with a side of panic attacks, and a scoop of depression. She explained the difference between an anxiety attack and a panic attack. 

     i got scared again. Because i realized something: i was having anxiety attacks every day. They were constant; i was in a constant state of tension, my heart racing, and shallow breathing. i thought i was out of shape because i had to stop and catch my breath every time i went up the stairs, even though i had been religious about doing the workouts i was assigned for varsity softball. i was relieved i wasn't as much of a fat bastard that i thought i was, but i was scared to know that anxiety could do that to me. 

     And, i realized something else: i was having panic attacks almost every day.  

Interjection: Before you start thinking that this is just going to be a depressing story of my doctor's visits and sucky life in between those doctor's visits, you're wrong. i've found out that anxiety and depression are kinda common, especially in my generation. (i'm in my early 20's if that helps.) If this can help anyone you know, whether that's a parent with a child or young adult who sounds like this could be happening to them, this is for them. i want to put into words what is really hard to. And i'm not some hero or big shot for doing this. This has been something i've had to try to explain to my therapists, my doctors, my parents, and some of my friends. it's scary to do that. And, it's hard.

     For a while, i didn't want to tell anyone. i was totally in denial. i was narrow-minded and thought shrinks were for crazy people. Then, it seemed like i was one of those crazy people. i kept picturing One Flew from the Cuckoo's Nest. But instead of Jack Nicholson, i pictured myself as the Native American or someone. 

Spoiler Alert: i wasn't, haven't been, and am not. In case you were worried. 

i will continue . . .  

i am . . . not crazy.      Just FYI.